Dear God,
When we were driving back to Boise from a fabulous weekend on the Lochsa River (thanks for making that, by the way--it is amazing!), we drove through Cascade, Idaho. It seems as though some people think that we need to "Keep God in America." They said it right on the marquee! I got to thinking about it and have decided that they are right. I am now going to make it my own personal mission to keep you here (and only here) in this powerful country.
For starters, I will begin by putting up large fences around the United States. I am stating this country, as opposed to all of the Americas, because the people who put up the marquee also had a million and a half American flags on their property and one can only assume that they mean that we should keep you in the United States, not all of the Americas. With my new barrier, you will no longer be able to pass through customs with the ease of which you formerly had. No day trips to Canada for weed (ok, lunch) and no weekend jaunts to Mexico for tiny trinkets, got it? I don't care how good the tacos are in Tijuana, we need you here at all times and it is very important that you stick to this.
Along these same lines, it will now be very, very important for you to increase your surveillance and protection over the U.S. and it's true citizens. Now that we have claimed you as ours and only ours, there will be no aide to other countries. This includes the illegal immigrants (and even some of the legal ones--we just can't be too sure). There are starving babies right here in the U.S. that need your help and those African babies dying of AIDS and hunger will just have to stick it out. Also, it is very, very important that you keep our troops safe and only allow us to hurt and kill the bad guys, got it? The Muslims, Jews, Shiites, and other religious fools can pray to their own gods for help and protection. We cannot share you any longer. Christians in the U.S. have complete priority over all of your actions and you will no longer have jurisdiction over other countries. Unfortunately, you will have no say in this matter.
God, we need you here, big time. We know that you are an all-powerful, amazing, loving, God and we are God-fearing people (what does that mean, anyway?) We love America it is important that we keep God in America!
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4 comments:
*applauds*
I've often thought it would be a good idea to divide America according to religion and force migratation, or, in the case of the Amish, immigration. So let me start with them: force the rest of the Beachy Amish to head down to central/south America with the Old Order Amish and encourage the mennonites to do likewise. Then shut off all of the US from anabaptists, excepting Quakers, who can stay in Pennsylvania. Mormons can get all of the original Deseret as outlined by Brigham Young, since they're all there anyway (Southeastern Idaho, all of Utah, Las Vegas, and south to Mesa, AZ). Southern Baptist Convention, if they can stay together, can have, well, the southern states. Catholics will all have to move back to Maryland, except they can keep diplomatic outposts located at Jesuit Colleges throughout the nation. Episcopalians, can have the New England states, which will be divided into North and South segments, according to their views on gays. Lutherans can have Minnesota and Michigan, and the rest of the midwest can be given to the High and Low order protestant churches (presbyterian, methodist, etc.) since there's so much cross polination of clerg, anyhoo. Finally, nondemoniational 'christian' churches can have California. It only seems right. There's no room for Jews or Muslims, so there'll have to be some forced conversions a la 16th century Spain. Also, the Realians will be kicked back to Toronto where they can take the JW's with them.
I love it! Except, I'd really like it if the Lutherans could have the Dakotas and Minnesota--someone else can have Michigan. Sound good?
In my former career as a Customs Officer, I caught God trying to cross the border a couple of times. For some reason, He seemed to think He was wanted elsewhere too. Boy, we changed that attitude really quickly.
btw, you can't imagine what God keeps in His pockets...
--Andy in Indiana
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