This post is a few days late, but last Tuesday's adventure to The Starry Plough for open-mic night was...well...delightful? That's probably not the best word to describe it...

I had been to the Plough once before, back in November or so, to play at the open-stage. I had a fabulous experience (I was given an extra song and the host said, "man, that girl can sing!") and wanted to go back again. Given the fact that I didn't have to work at Peet's the next morning, as had become standard, I gathered up my friends Claire, Carrie, and Jen, and headed to the Plough.

Guitar in hand, Carrie and I arrived at 7 pm to grab some food and make sure I was there in time to sign up for a relatively early spot. We were there plenty early, alright, but apparently I don't know the secret code for when to stand up and form a line. Before I knew it, I was being pushed around and had atleast 5 people cut in front of me to sign up. When I finally made my way up to the sign-up sheet, the next available space was #11 and that, folks, is mighty late for an old lady like me. The good news is that it forced me to sit and listen to Jerry. Ohh Jerry. . .

I have only met one other person in my life who may have been as crude as Jerry. But atleast Dan isn't crude in this same sort of "my goal in life is to make people vomit when the listen to my song lyrics" type of way that Jerry seems to embrace. The man stands tall and proudly when he sings. He looks like your dad, sorta. He looks like he's a really nice man--which, don't get me wrong, he very well could be. But I suppose that in order to surprise people, you've got to create some sort of illusion, right? His first song was fine. I didn't catch the lyrics, except for the fact that the person he was singing about had a really long name. Whatever, who cares. The second song, though. God, is it even ok to post the lyrics to his song?

The first verse set the scene. He has obviously been hurt by a lot of women and is going to take out his frustrations, not on the women who have done him wrong, but...dear God...but by taking it out on their grandmas! The chorus was simply, "Oh yeah, oh yeah, I'm gonna get your grandma!" There was mention of waiting until the orderly leaves, turning out the lights, and making grandma his bitch (complete with a pause in guitar strumming so that he could grab his own 50 year-old crotch). As if that wasn't enough to have every audience member's jaw drop to the floor, imagine the look on their faces when Jerry mentioned that he was going to put his hand down grandma's depends and that seeing her dentures on the night stand reminded him that "no teeth would work out nicely." (Although, to be fair, I'm sure he didn't use proper English in that sentence and said "work out nice" instead. I just can't bring myself to write it out that way.)

Are you thoroughly disgusted yet?

Claire has more highlights on her page and I highly suggest checking those out. My performance was mediocre, at best, but that's ok...it'll just help me to surprise people even more if I choose to return in a few months.